Title: The Pope of East Van
Genre: Urban Legend / Political Satire / Crime Drama with Balkan Swagger
Starring: Joe Jukic as Himself, Bruno Jukic as his consigliere, and a multicultural gang of misfit European expats.
STORY: THE POPE OF EAST VAN
Narrated by Bruno Jukic
Let me tell you a story about how my brother Joe became a legend—not just in our neighborhood, not just in East Vancouver—but all across Europe… from the grey towers of Glasgow to the sweaty clubs of Zagreb. He was just Joe once. Now he’s The Pope of East Van. The Don of the EU Mafia. And yeah… he still hasn’t had that hernia surgery.
ACT I: “DON’T QUESTION JOE”
It all began in a rundown East Van boxing gym, where Joe Jukic, scarred but stubborn, sat on a cracked bench press refusing to go under the knife. The doctors begged him: “Joe, your hernia’s the size of a grapefruit.”
Joe puffed a cigar and growled, “I won’t be sliced open till I see the Adriatic Sea again. If I’m dying, I’m dying Croatian.”
But Joe wasn’t planning to die. He was planning something else.
You see, the government started cracking down on cash work. Food trucks, painters, construction crews, even the Slavic wedding bands. They wanted taxes. Paperwork. Permits. But Joe had a vision: No European pays taxes to a foreign empire. Ever again.
So he called a secret meeting at Vesuvio’s Pizza—neutral ground. Italian-run. Cash only.
Every Balkan, Slav, Greek, Portuguese, Pole, and Scot in East Van showed up. Some were drunk. Most were armed.
Joe stood on a folding chair in his tracksuit and yelled:
“No more taxes. No more UN. We pay tribute to no one but our own. This is East Van. Our Vatican. And I am your Pope!”
The room fell silent. Then cheers. Then chaos.
And so the EU Mafia was born.
ACT II: “THE UNION OF ALL G’S”
Bruno built the infrastructure—encrypted apps, underground crypto pools, and fake IDs printed in the back of a Serbian bakery.
Joe negotiated peace between warring Polish drywallers and Romanian landscapers.
He forged alliances between Croat stonemasons and Albanian mechanics. Even the Irish joined when Joe let them run the St. Paddy’s Day racket tax-free.
Every ethnicity had a role:
- Italians ran the espresso smuggling operation.
- Bosnians controlled the black market for Tesla parts.
- Hungarians built tunnels under Hastings Street.
- Ukrainians did security. Silent. Efficient. Spoke in memes.
Joe made deals with Sikh truckers, Chinese counterfeiters, and Native herbalists. He paid homage to the real East Van OGs. Respect earned. Never taken.
He even made a treaty with the Portuguese Tile Layer’s Guild, after sharing a bottle of rakija with their leader in a Home Depot parking lot.
ACT III: “THE VATICAN OF VANCOUVER”
The UN tried to audit him. Revenue Canada sent agents.
But when they arrived, they found an independent sovereign nation operating out of a strip mall on Commercial Drive.
Flags flew: EU stars over a Croatian checkerboard, flanked by a kebab skewer and a concrete trowel.
Joe declared:
“We are neutral. Like Switzerland. But way tougher. We do not recognize your tax code, your bureaucracy, or your Prime Minister. We recognize one thing only: Loyalty to the G’s.”
When asked what “G” stood for, Joe simply said, “Every G. God. Grandmother. Gangster. Gladiator. Good guy. Got it?”
No one argued.
EPILOGUE: “THE SURGERY”
Eventually, Joe flew to Croatia—not by plane, but by cargo ship disguised as a fridge inspector.
The EU Mafia paid for it all in cash and war bonds.
In Split, a retired Yugoslav army doctor finally performed the hernia surgery with a flask of slivovica and a scalpel from Tito’s era.
Joe recovered in a stone cottage by the sea, surrounded by cousins, pigeons, and unreleased Thompson CDs.
Back in East Van, the people still speak his name in whispers. Some say he’ll return when the maple leaf threatens their independence again.
Until then, the EU Mafia pays no taxes. The UN stays away. And the Pope of East Van reigns.
Long live Joe. Long live the G’s.
🕊️🇭🇷🛠️🍷🇪🇺